So many pregnancies…
I am battling the jealousy that is bubbling up from the darkest depths of my soul like heartburn after a spicy meal. The number of pregnancies I know of is staggering… and none seemed to really want to be pregnant before it happened. Why? Why must I be surrounded by pregnant women when I want it more than all of them combined? Why are the ones who don’t care the ones getting pregnant? Why does it seem so unfair? Why do I get upset by all this? Why can’t I just be happy for them? Why does thinking of them pregnant and me not . . . make me cry?
I have never had these emotions before. I am surprised by my reaction to every new announcement. I am glad I wasn’t there for the latest announcement, although it was good to express my feelings to Lisa over the phone. Why do I want to avoid them now? I think I know the answer to that last question. I don’t want to hear about anyone else’s pregnant experience. I want to learn afresh with mine, to discover, not to just experience what they experience first. I don’t want to compare my future experience with anything I’ve heard from any of theirs. I want a future experience. I want . . . children.